6) You Can't Educate Pork - Not meant as an insult to actual pigs, who are apparently quite intelligent despite their penchant for rolling around in their own waste. A phrase introduced to my vernacular by a fabulous woman called Lynn, my co conspirator and partner in crime back at my last job. We were a bumbling pair of idiots, incapable of looking after ourselves let a team of 60+ press readers but we both talked a good game. From her I learnt that you can wear white jeans after 40, that there is no situation that can't be made better with cake and the aforementioned phrase. Essentially there are just some people out there who are beyond help and you shouldn't even bother trying to attempt it. If you think you have one of these people in your orbit, feel free to give up on them. They will not yield and they will not change. Either accept it or walk on by. You can't educate pork. It is one of the best argument enders ever if delivered in a snarky enough tone of voice and always draws a round of nods if used as a descriptive term in polite company. It's non-offensive enough to be used with work colleagues and superiors but works well as an insult if you spit it out with venom. No-one really understands it because well, pigs are smart so it's is actually factually incorrect but nobody will admit they don't get it. If this is too long an insult, let me share my 2 other favourites "You are such a Tonsil" and "Swampdonkey". The former is just so pure in it's meaning and the latter is a joy on the tongue. Use one or more of them today and let me know the reactions.
7) If It Hasn't Happened Yet, It's Not Going To - So you have this friend that you really like. I mean, really like. In your mind, you would be perfect for each other, you have lots in common, you make each other laugh, you seek out each others company. It's blissful. You catch him looking at you often, maybe giving you a cheeky wink every now and then. When you touch each other, either accidentally or accidentally on purpose you feel a shiver and you'd state your life that the feeling is mutual. It's fate you cry, the chemistry is so intense between us that it's obvious we need to take it to the next level whatever that may be. You start daydreaming about him, imagining all sorts of scenarios where you get the Happy Ever After and everything smells vaguely of rose petals.... Let me stop you there. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. All of this eye twinkling and heart fluttering is totally one sided, it's a figment of your imagination, a hormonal response at best. We are socially preconditioned to assume specific roles, the male is the hunter, the female the prey. When a woman sees someone she likes she will flirt, dress more provocatively, find reasons to touch him. She will weave an intricate web of loveliness in which to ensnare her man. Hours will be spent, primping and planning, dreaming and hoping. A man on the other hand, if he sees someone he likes, he will walk over and tell her he likes her. Simple as that. No fuss, no muss. If a man wants you, you will know it totally, there will be no ambiguity, no cryptic texts to decipher, no hours wasted wondering if that eyebrow raise meant something. Guys are either too smart or too lazy to play our game. So in short, if he was interested in you, he would be with you right now. Nothing and no-one would stop him. If he isn't... well he never will be and you need to pack up your emotional baggage and move on. The window of opportunity is small and finite. Close it, lock it, draw the curtains and dream of someone else.
8) Milk Jugs Are A Vessel Of The Devil - No one else sees this but me. An utterly pointless, useless piece of kitchenware. Okay, so if you're the Queen and you're having a Tea Party maybe it's acceptable, but then you'd need either a fleet of the blighters or a jug so big it's technically a gravy boat. For most of us, we use mugs which render milk jugs obsolete. A milk jug serves no purpose other than decoration and let's face it, it's not pretty to begin with. It's a stupid little container that is a temporary holder for cow juice, you pour from the bottle to the spiteful little jug and straight into a cup. One more thing to wash up. Vile things. Where's Room 101 when you need it?
9) Step Away From The Sale Rack Sweetheart And Nobody Gets Hurt - We all love a bargain, those bright red Sale signs call to us like siren's on the rock. Buy Me, they whisper, you know you want me. I will make you look taller/thinner/prettier and I'm 40% off. What's stopping you claiming me and making me yours? Firstly, if it's in the sale it's because nobody wanted it when it was full price which should tell you something. Secondly, most sales now seem to be full of items that I never saw before, sad little ensembles shipped in specifically to sate our lust for a bargain. I have at least one wardrobe filled with travesties against fashion which I bought because they were under a tenner. Why £10 I don't know, but I have very set prices when it comes to sales. CDs and DVDs - anything £5 or under is coming home with me which explains why my living room looks like Blockbuster (RIP) and why I have 2 copies of the High School Musical trilogy. Shoes and Boots are capped at £25 which is why I need to buy shoes every month. I wait like an animal for the Next sale, crippled with excitement when my VIP Online invitation arrives and book my slot. I'm set up for text reminders and when my phone beeps with my slot start notification I click away until my fingers are bloody stumps. Everything under £10 goes in the basket, most of it in my size but occasionally I'll get sucked in to adding something a size smaller that I reason I'll diet into * Once I've perused every item, the fun begins. Trolley View. At this point I'll have upwards of 100 hideous items that need a second glance. Huge checked Rupert The Bear style bell bottoms, novelty sweatshirts, maxi dresses from the Tall range. I'm 5"2!! I whittle away until I have the perfect basket of frankly hideous items and I refresh the page... only to find it's all out of stock. And that's if I'm lucky. Otherwise in 2-4 weeks I'll be the recipient of several parcels of nasty poly blend tops which cling in the wrong places, linen trousers guaranteed to provide camel toe and shoes that I'll never be able to walk in. Every time like clockwork. So learn from me my friends, if it's worth having and you want it pay top whack and only then if it fits you and you already own at least 3 things that you can pair it up with. Otherwise leave the sale racks for the those of us strong enough to handle the shopper's remorse.
*¹ In 20 years I have attempted every diet under the sun to no avail. I remain stoic, the same weight and size and nothing short of amputation or wearing multiple pairs of Spanx will change that.
10) Chocolate Is A Fruit - So is wine, and beer is a cereal. Hear me out, there is method to my madness. The main ingredient of Chocolate is Cacao nibs which are made from Cacao which is a seed that grows on trees. What else grows on trees? Fruit!!! Wine is basically fermented grape juice. Grapes are fruit. See what I did there? Beer is made from a starch and water, the yeastiness coming from the resulting sugars. The starch is usually barley which is a cereal, also used in breads and soups as a thickening agent. So in summary, chocolate and wine are just 2 of your 5 a day and beer is a recommended daily staple. Happy to help.