Honestly, I have never considered myself a whiner, more of a Wino if I’m honest it galls me somewhat to be seen as a crybaby. Yeah, life sucks balls most of the time but sometimes sucking balls can lead to greater things. So here I sit, poised and ready to unleash a new type of blog. Hell yeah, I’m going to try and be funny.
God help us all.
Humour is such a personal thing. Truly I don’t get modern comedy. I’ve tried. It washes over me like scum sodden water. The arse end of the washing up bowl, all nastiness and food waste. I try to laugh, ache to get it, but ultimately I find it vapid and forced. Methinks they just try too hard. But show me Morecombe and Wise or The Two Ronnies and I am wheezing and snorting like a good ‘un.
Possibly the funniest thing in the entire world. Ticks all my boxes, wit, linguistic tomfoolery and accents. Be still my beating heart. Four Candles... Britain’s top sketch for a reason.
I am abysmal at accents, truly poor and often downright racist, however unintentional. I still do them. I have an amazing rendition of “Rubber Ducky” that despite its brevity would make Ernie proud.
I love puns and innuendo and despite being amateur at best at both, I still trawl out every achingly old line like a trooper.
Jokes... If it’s a “Knock Knock” joke yes. Anything else... not so much. Most of my jokes are religious based. The Nun and the Blind Man anyone? I forget punchlines frequently, I stammer and stumble over the final word, but cackling until I can’t breathe, amusing myself more than my audience. Which mostly exists of my cats but hey, if it works for Taylor Swift, I’m game.
Fart jokes, toilet humour. People falling over. In so many ways, I am a prepubescent boy but with breasts. Which lend their own humour. Animal videos.. Memes... Oh grumpy cat, you are me in feline form.
I frequently wear comedy socks, for no other reason than it amuses me to. Comedy pants.. yes boss, you wish to berate me for my tardiness but my Snoopy pants are secretly giving you the finger. I write bad erotica... Okay, in my head its classic but I’m sane enough to see the truth. Exactly how many euphemisms for fucking are there exactly? And it’s funny. If you actually knew me, you’d see just how funny it is. Totally off base.
So cats, Muppets and ripping off the classics.
Everything I say and do is a mimicry of those greater and funnier, but give me credit for trying.
And in summation, the man who I believe to be the greatest comedy genius of them all... the deity that was George Carlin.
Look him up, everything he says is magic but this... This list of people who should be dead is my kryptonite. Many have tried to emulate, none have conquered. I wish I had an ounce of his magic, his wordery, his timing. And I practise. Just one man who said what he thought and made us laugh and think and damn it, laugh until coffee came out our noses.
The best twenty minutes you’ll ever spend.