I like living in my own headspace. I realise that it isn't healthy, that we need other people in our lives in as much the same way we need water and oxygen to survive. I also get that anyone who prefers their own company to others is generally considered a hermit at best and a sociopath at worst. Read up on any serial killer through history and you'll find someone who shunned society and kept to themselves. Now, I have no urge to maim, disembowel or take another life. Never have, pretty sure I never will. I like other people on the whole, some more than others naturally, and occasionally I'll connect with someone and there begins a beautiful friendship with a life span of approximately 3 years. I say three years, this varies depending on the amount of actual face time involved. If I see someone frequently it goes down to about 18 months, if it's email and text based it can go to 5 years if not more. In my case, close proximity is my enemy. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal, most people engage with others on a frequent basis and relationships build and grow. Mine have an expiration date. This gives me pause...
Somedays I wish I was scientifically minded. I could theorise biomass and cold fusion and ponder the really big questions instead of staring out into the distance and hating on coffee sachets. I haven't moved into angry letter writing mode yet, but it's definitely in my future. Dear Nescafe, please can you explain the thinking behind this travesty of lazy consumerism... Can you say obsessed? To combat my descent into crazytown, I've started redirecting my energies into my writing and learning the guitar. I've written badly for years and thought it was time to try harder. It's actually going well, I finished my first story over a year ago, been posting new shorts online and even placed second in a competition and am only just coming down from my creative high. So excited was I, that this website was borne and whilst I probably spend more time updating this than actual writing at least I'm doing something. I'm on a roll! As for the guitar, I've always wanted to play. My earliest memories were of my Dad playing his acoustic, making up silly songs for my entertainment. My guitar hero. After years of procrastination, I finally bought one and can now proudly play about 3 notes and 1 chord - 2 of them badly and none of them in time. But that hasn't stopped me amassing guitars. I have 5 and counting, plus 2 amps and a pedal. But I'm committed to learning and have valiantly been practicing everyday. Well, I did for a week and I'd need to dust them all off before I attempt tuning up again. I'll probably never be any good and I'm sure that like my writing, my musical "skills" will never be fit for public consumption but I'm okay with that. It was never about doing something for anyone other than myself. Sure, it's nice to get compliments (so I hear!) but it's more about setting myself the challenge and seeing it through to a reasonable conclusion. And it's giving me something else to think about, beside those damn silly coffee packets!
I guess the point of all this is that there doesn't always have to be a point. You don't have to know the destination all of the time. Sometimes it's more about the journey. It doesn't matter that you don't have a clue what you're doing or why you're doing it. It's okay to pootle along at your own pace, doing whatever makes you happy. Shakespeare wrote "To thine own self be true" over 500 years ago and so far, no-one else has managed to better that quote for it's simplicity. Sod what anyone else thinks, or expects of you. Make your own happy.
Over and out